Brandy W.

About Brandy W.

The past 5 years have been heart-wrenching for my family. In 2014, my mom suffered a massive brain aneurysm that changed us forever. At the time, she was 64 years old and in seemingly great health. She went from working full time to fighting for her life. From finding her unresponsive, to months in the ICU, to multiple nursing homes, every single day of the past 5 years has been a battle for her and for our family. (Her story was captured here: www.welovebonnie.weebly.com.)

While many men may have become distant from their wives or families after such a catastrophic event, my dad grew more committed to caring for his wife, my sister, and me. When many of his 65 year old retired friends were golfing and traveling, he was spending his days in the nursing home with our mom. He took this role seriously and was committed full time (seriously… he was at the nursing home from 9am to 5pm, every.single.day.). His positive attitude, nonstop jokes, and unwavering love continue to be a bright light in the darkest moments.

With our parents residing in our hometown of Goshen, Indiana, my sister in Denver, and me in Chicago, the distance soon become too much to manage. After three years of flights and long-distance care-taking, we knew we needed to move our aging parents closer to one of us. With our dad on board with the idea of spending his golden years in Denver (read: Golden Years near Golden, Colorado… eh-hem… home to Coors Brewery), we began the process of selling our childhood home. In the fall of 2017, my sister, our parents, their two cats, and I took a oneway flight to Denver. Within a few short weeks, my mom had moved into a Denver nursing home, my sister had married her husband, James, and they had turned their basement into a “Poppy Pad” for our dad. Just when we were all beginning to feel settled into to our new normal, our dad was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer. This shook us to the core. How had the doctors in Indiana missed this? How could it be that this amazing father and husband, who had committed to spending every single day of his retirement in a nursing home caring for his sick wife, would now have to fight for HIS life? “The Golden Years” in Colorado quickly took a turn for the worse, and I truly cannot begin to put into words the physical and mental toll all of this has taken on my sister and me. One sick parent was heartbreaking; two sick parents has become excruciating.

Day to day, I go through the motions, trying my best to help out from twelve-hundred miles away. I call Acreedo to order my dad’s Xtandi cancer medication, check in on him to make sure he has taken said medication, login to his MyChart to review the latest test results/appointment schedule, and I hear from my sister how difficult everything is… ::Mom doesn’t remember where she is. Dad hasn’t eaten today. We need to file for Medicaid again. Mom fell out of bed. Meals on Wheels is coming, can you remind Dad to answer the door? Dad is in the ER. He can’t stop vomiting. Chemo isn’t working. Dad’s labs look bad. The cancer has spread.:: Doctors. Nurses. Scans. Vitals. Health Insurance. Bills. Medicaid. Repeat.

Now and again, I forget this new normal isn’t actually normal. Most of my friends aren’t taking care of their parents. In fact, most of my friends’ parents are watching their babies. Sometimes I wonder what that would be like. Sometimes I get so mad. Sometimes I break down crying. And now that I have a baby of my own, sometimes I worry about her having to take care of me one day. And while all of this is hard on me, I can only begin to fathom the toll it is taking on my sister and her husband.

When Sara and James selflessly moved our parents across the country and turned their basement into an apartment for our dad, he was a generally healthy and vibrant retired man in his mid-sixties. So while they anticipated caring for our mom right away, they were not prepared to become full time caretakers for two parents, only a week after their wedding. When they were supposed to be living in wedded bliss, they postponed their honeymoon and began meeting with oncologists about what was supposed to just be a “swollen lymph node”. The past year has been an emotional rollercoaster, with recent weeks taking the cake for being the hardest yet. Sara and James work full time and alternate between spending their “downtime” at the nursing home with our mom (since our dad’s health has declined to the point he is unable to do this), driving our dad to all of his appointments, picking up his prescriptions, doing his grocery shopping, washing his laundry, helping him bathe, cleaning his apartment, helping him with his physical therapy, etc. On top of these commitments, Sara is on the receiving end of every terrifying phone call. I can only imagine how haunting the sound of her phone vibrating has become.

They say it takes a village, and that’s true of my family. I want to honor my dad, Chuck, for taking care of my mom for all of the years he was healthy and able; his dedication to his marriage has set the bar high for my own. I also want to honor and thank him for his positive spirit. His ability to see the positive in everything is something that carries me through hard days. I want to honor my sister, Sara, for putting herself second and our parents first. On top managing the physical health of both of our parents, she spends her “spare” time making sure they are happy. From researching Dementia games, doing crafts and eating lunch with our mom to spending the Super Bowl in the ER and treating our dad to a Bob Segar concert, she never lets their illnesses stop them from living. And I want to honor my brother-in-law, James, for caring for our parents as if they are his own. He didn’t sign up for this, and his loyalty to my family has touched my soul.

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